Journalist: Richard Morgan
HUNTSVILLE ALABAMA – NASA has announced their choice of evolutionary biologist, Dr Richard Dawkins to head the team that will be studying and analysing the UFO that landed intact in the Arizona desert six months ago.
Why Professor Dawkins? His research program came cheaper than all the other candidates for the post. The aerospace experts, quantum physicists and cosmologists were rejected because high on their research agenda was the costly question, “Where did it come from?”
Professor Dawkins will be saving the American tax payers millions of dollars in wasteful research by bringing his scientifically verified answer to this question from the outset, “It’s origins were just a Happy Chemical Accident.”
An un-named though reliable source at the CIA told our reporter, “We already know where the alien space craft came from, but that must remain classified information. National security could be endangered. With Dr Dawkins, we can be sure that he won’t go prying in forbidden areas. He has a world class reputation as the man who has a peer-reviewed aversion to origins. That’s why our official line is, and will remain, “Source – a Happy Chemical Accident.”
Dr Dawkins has made it work for evolution. He’ll make it work here. In the good old Cold War days we could have said it was a Soviet hoax, but times have changed, alas. Conspiracies are out, accidents are in. They are more scientific.”
PHOENIX ARIZONA – Starbucks Corporation will be presenting their new coffee in Arizona next week. It will be served free throughout the state between 6 and 8pm in what they are calling their new “Happy Chemical Accident Hour.”
Samir Rahis, head of Starbucks secretive R & D section revealed that the coffee’s ingredients are selected on a random basis from a massive selection of coffees from all over the world. He explained, “Thanks to our ground-breaking Random Coffee Percolator, nobody will know the origins of their coffee. Each cup will be a unique Happy Chemical Accident and the FDA can go jump in a lake.”
WASHINGTON DC – A new defense is being tried before the Supreme Court next month. Hundreds of prisoners on Death Rows throughout the country have been grouped in a unique class action by the New York lawyer, Ricardo D’Occins. His defense argument will be unique in judicial history, “Not guilty by reason of a Happy Chemical Accident”.
Speaking on the Daily News he explained, “Everybody accepts that Life came about by a Happy Chemical Accident. Our Supreme Court judges need to recognise that what’s good for the Origins of Life is good for the Cause of Death. My clients are all on Death Row on account of a Happy Chemical Accident. I believe they will all be free men by next week.”